South Park - Camera Spy
by xandermartin98
Summary: All of South Park's formerly elementary-school students are now in high school. Eric Cartman has received a new video camera as a gift from his mother. After using it to film the video in Mr. Garrison's Sex Ed class, he tricks Stan and Kenny into teaming up with him, helping him carry out his evil plan to film Kyle naked at midnight. The video's popularity spreads like wildfire.
1. South Park - Camera Spy PART 1

One fateful Monday at South Park High, all of South Park Elementary's former students were currently teenagers. Eric Cartman, Stan Marsh, Kyle Broflovski, and Kenny McCormick, as well as many other students, were going about their typical school business. However, there was one thing that was getting on everybody's fucking nerves.

Eric Cartman had recently recieved a new video camera from his mother Liane Cartman. Cartman, being the obnoxiously egotistical douche that he is, would not stop showing off his new video camera, which was seriously pissing his classmates off to no end. Sex Ed class was about to start, and all of the students were worried about who their teacher would be. "Please not Mr. Garrison...PLEASE NOT MR. GARRISON...", the students whispered.

Sure enough, the teacher was Mr. Garrison. "Okay, children, who can tell me what a boner is? Anyone?" "Come on, don't be shy." As Clyde raised his hand, Mr. Garrison responded, "Yes, Clyde?" "A fishing pole?", Clyde asked. "Okay, now let's try to get an answer from someone who's not a complete retard." said Mr. Garrison. Cartman already realized where this was heading, so he yelled "HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO SUCK MY GIANT ERECT BONER BALLS, MR. GARRISON?" Mr. Garrison was speechless for several seconds, then he said "Present them."

Cartman, being the magnificent bastard that he is, presented his penis, testicles and scrotum to the entire classroom. Mr. Garrison said "HA! It's not even two inches long! Mine is like three inches! Who's the gay one NOW, huh, faggot?". Everyone in the class laughed. "Well, actually, I hate to admit it, but those ARE some red-hot sexy balls...", continued Mr. Garrison, causing every student in the class to bust out laughing. "

Hey, what's so funny about my god-damned balls?" said Cartman. Kenny replied, "Nhthhng, hxchpt fhr thh fhct thht thht fhckhng fhgght Mr. Ghrrhshn hs hn lhve whth thhm. Yhhrh a rhhl bhllsy dhck, Chrtmhn." "Hey! I may be ballsy, but I'm not a fucking dick, you poor stupid asshole!" yelled Cartman. Kenny slugged him in the arm. "Owwwww, Keenny, why'd you do that?"

Mr. Garrison brought the students' attention back to the Sex Ed subject at hand. "Okay, children, we have a lot to learn today! We sure do, Mr. Garrison. Now I'd like a volunteer to read this document about sex, please." Garrison drew a card from a hat. "Jimmy Valmer, please volunteer." Jimmy Valmer began reading.

"S-s-se-s-s-se-s-se-sex is some-th-th-ing th-tha-th-th-that wom-w-wo-wome-w-wo-women..." Mr. Garrison said "OKAY! JESUS CHRIST! That's enough! I'll just play this Sex Ed video! Cartman, you can record this on your video camera, but you better not laugh and giggle about it!" "I'm 16 years old, dumbass! What kind of 16 year old kid has a perverted and sick sense of humor?" said Cartman. "You do, fatass!" said Kyle. "Hey! Don't call me fat, you fucking Jew!" yelled Cartman. "Eric Cartman! If you say the F word one more time, I'm going to have to send you to the school counselor!" yelled Mr. Garrison.

"Now, Timmy...put the video in there for me, would you please?" Timmy put the CD into the laptop's disk drive, and the video began as Cartman readied his video camera. "Sex is something that women perform with men. Sometimes, it is used as a pastime. However, even when you're just fucking each other for the sake of fucking each other, sex is serious and needs to be taken seriously. As the penis is inserted into the vagina, erection, followed by male orgasm, is achieved. Semen is ejaculated and..."

After about 15 minutes of mature sex education and immature laughter, Cartman wiped the laugh-induced tears from his eyes and finished his recording of Mr. Garrison's Sex Ed video. "So, boys, how did you like it?" asked Mr. Garrison. "Wow, Cartman's mom is a slut!" said Wendy. "Hey, shut up about my freaking mom, bitch!" said Cartman. "Whll, ht's trhh, yhh knhw. Yhhr mhm whs prhtty ghd-dhmnhd shxy...whht hf I thld yhh I fhckhd hhr lhst nhght?" said Kenny. "You did WHAT?" said Cartman. Kenny giggled ecstatically.

"Mr. Garrison, did you use a condom when you made that video?" asked Stan. "You might catch herpes if you didn't!" Everyone except Cartman and Garrison laughed. "Hey, my mom does not have STDs, asshole!" yelled Cartman. "How do you know that?" asked Mr. Garrison. "All I know is that I had a lot of fun with her, if you know what I mean." Everyone laughed. "Haha, I got the whole video AND this whole conversation recorded on my video camera!" said Cartman.

Later at the cafeteria, Cartman was sitting at a table with Stan and Kenny, discussing Cartman's secret plan. "Tonight, we are going to film Kyle naked." said Cartman. "Why?" asked Stan. "Umm...because he doesn't have any clothes on?" said Cartman. "Nh shht, Shhrlhck!" said Kenny. "Anyway...meet me in front of Kyle's window tonight, okay? Here are your dialogue scripts. Practice your lines and meet me at 11:30 PM. Comprende?" said Cartman.

LATER THAT NIGHT... "Okay, Stan and Kenny. I am speaking to you through a military-grade walkie-talkie network communication system. DO YOU RESPECT MAH AUTHORITAH?" said Cartman. "SIR YES SIR!" said Kenny and Stan. "Good. Are you almost here?" said Cartman. "We're getting there, for fuck's sake! We just snuck out of our bedroom windows using our climbing ropes." replied Stan and Kenny.

TWO MINUTES LATER... "Okay, action!" whispered Cartman. "Dh yhh thhnk hhll dh ht thnhght?" asked Kenny. "Of course he will. It's like clockwork." replied Stan. "Ladies and gentlemen, you are about to witness one of the seven wonders of the world." said Cartman. "At about 11:30 PM, eastern standard time, through this window...Stan's buddy Kyle will descend the staircase as he does every night for a glass of water."

"Hnd hh ahnt drhsshd fhr phhplh th sthrh ht thrhhgh thh fhckhng whndhw, hf yhh knhw whht I mhhn." said Kenny. "Yep. You heard right. He's completely and irrevocably...NAAAKEEED." said Cartman. "With no clothes on!" said Kenny, flipping his hood off. Suddenly, Kyle's staircase light turned on, and all three boys turned their attention to the staircase.

As Kyle's curly-haired naked body descended the staircase and got a glass of water from the fridge...Cartman, Stan and Kenny were trying not to giggle uncontrollably. All three boys made their escape unnoticed. "Okay, where's our money?" asked Stan. "Yeah, where's our god-damned money?" asked Kenny. "I don't know what the hell you two are talking about." replied Cartman.

"God damn it! Don't you remember? You said you would pay us fifty dollars each if we did this!" yelled Stan. "Fifty dollars? No way, I was going to pay you MAYBE fifty cents each." said Cartman. "You're a fucking fatass cheapskate fuckwad, Cartman!" yelled Kenny. "Still...(wolf whistles)...Kyle has one hell of a filthy Jewish body." continued Cartman. "The girls are gonna go so fucking crazy about it. They'll be swarming around Kyle like motherfucking zombies when I show this shit to them!" said Cartman.

"God damn you Cartman! Still, this does sound like it'll make a pretty hilarious story..." said Stan. "I think I almost got a boner while we were filming!" said Kenny. "Umm...okay. I did NOT need to hear that, Kenny." replied Cartman. "Okay, the mission is over for tonight. Everyone head back home and sneak back into bed. You've still got your ropes, right?" "Yes." said Kenny and Stan. "Good night, asshole...heh heh..."

NEXT MORNING... Cartman, Stan, Kyle, and Kenny were standing at the bus stop. Kyle asked Cartman "Hey! What did you do with your video camera last night, Cartman? And why were you, Stan, and Kenny all separated from my lunch table? Were you making another god-damned secret plan, Cartman?" "Umm...heh heh...not exactly." said Cartman.

At school, Kyle spoke with the school counselor, Mr. Mackey. Kyle began with "Um, Mr. Mackey? I'm a little afraid to tell you this, but..." "What's the matter, lil Kyle? I can talk to you about anything, m'kay? Are you coming to talk to me about Cartman's new camera?" Mr. Mackey replied.

"Umm, yes actually. You see, he used that thing to film the entire sex video in Mr. Garrison's Sex Ed class. Also, I think he might be using it to spy on people, like me for example." Kyle explained. "Spying is bad, m'kay? Just keep a low profile and make sure no one can see you at night, m'kay?" Mr. Mackey replied. "Okay, Mr. Mackey", Kyle responded. "I'll remember to keep my window blinds shut at night."

AT THE SCHOOL AUDITORIUM SHOW AND TELL... "Everybody give a round of applause for Kenny!" said the announcer. "Hhllh, thhs hs my Mysthrhhn chsthmh. It's nht fhr shle, bht Mysthrhhn hs prhtty bhdhss, dhnt yhh thhnk?" Kenny explained. "YEAH! GO KENNY!" the audience cheered. "Next up is Butters!" said the announcer.

"Umm, hi everybody! This is me, Butters! Check out my limited-edition Professor Chaos costume!" Butters explained. The audience booed him off stage and threw tomatoes at him. "Next up...we have Cartman, Stan and Kenny!" said the announcer. "This is the video that I recorded on my video camera last night. I hope you all enjoy it!" Cartman explained. "Hm, hrh yhh shrh thhs hs thh bhst fhckhng hdhh, Chrtmhn?" Kenny asked. "Hell no!" Stan replied. "But it's the funniest idea we've got..."

"Hhy, spyhng hn nhkhd phhplh jhst fhr shhts hnd ghgglhs hs nht chhl, my frhhnd! Sthp phtthng Chrtmhn's whrds hn yhhr mhhth!" Kenny yelled. "Hey, you look at naked women all the time...remember when you jacked off to my mom taking a shower? I did too, you know." said Stan. Kenny sighed.

The video began. When it got around to the part where Kyle was shown naked, Kyle was shocked. Cartman had outsmarted him and found his weakness. Everyone had just seen Kyle naked on the enormous auditorium screen, with his stupid curly red hair showing. Everyone was laughing except Kyle. "God damn it, I should have at least had my hat on.." Kyle thought to himself.

"Wow, that was sexy..." Wendy thought out loud. "I still can't cheat on Stan though." "Why not?" Bebe asked. "Because YOU'RE A FUCKING SLUT, BEBE!" Wendy whispered. "How did you girls like it?" asked Cartman. "Oh my god, I want to have sex with Kyle now!" yelled Wendy. "Well, okay but you'll probably catch the Jewbitch virus!" said Cartman. "HEY! That's not fucking funny!" Kyle yelled.

"I want to lick his feet!" Bebe said. "Do you want him to lick yours back?" Cartman asked. "CARTMAN, THAT'S FUCKING DISGUSTING!" Kyle yelled. "I think my penis just squirted everywhere!" said Mr. Garrison. "Damnit, Mr. Garrison, what the hell is wrong with you?" Chef asked. "Hey, teenage boys masturbate all the time on DeviantArt so I figured I'd get in on the action, too." Mr. Garrison replied. "You are one sick fuck, you know that?" Chef concluded. EVERYONE EXITS.

Out on the schoolyard in front of South Park High...Kyle, Stan, and Cartman were duking it out verbally. "WHO DID THIS!?" Kyle asked angrily. "DUDE! It was Cartman, dumbass! Who the hell do you think it is? Cartman's the one with the fucking video camera! He's the big fat bastard here for fuck's sake!" Stan yelled. "No way, dude, it was totally Stan! He has a gay man-crush on you, Kyle! I can prove it! See this picture? It clearly shows you and Stan together, inside a pink heart shape, kissing each other!" Cartman explained. "Holy shit, dude!" Stan responded. "Cartman, SHUT THE FUCK UP!" Kyle yelled. "You're clearly the one who bribed poor Kenny and Stan to join you and we all know it, you god damned son of a bitch!"

"Do I look like a bastard to you? Does my curly mustache and pointy beard look devilish to you?" asked Cartman.  
"Of course it does!" yelled Stan. "For fuck's sake, your facial hair looks as if someone drew it on your face with a magic marker!"  
"You know you would totally do that if you saw me on the front cover of a magazine..." Cartman replied.  
"DAMN YOU TO HELL, CARTMAN! YOU MADE ME LOOK LIKE A GOD DAMNED WHORE! YOU EVEN CHEATED KENNY OUT OF A FIFTY-DOLLAR DEAL! FUCK YOU!" Kyle yelled uncontrollably. "Still, girls will probably love me after seeing that video...Wendy and Bebe are already going crazy over me!"  
"Say, where's Kenny?" Stan wondered.  
"Who cares?" Cartman replied.  
Meanwhile, on top of the school roof, Kenny was dangling a cardboard cutout of himself on the hook of his fishing rod. "Suckers..." Kenny thought to himself. Sure enough, a small meteorite fell from the sky and hit the cardboard cutout, mistaking it for him. The cardboard cutout was vaporized.  
"OH MY GOD! They killed Kenny!" Kyle said.  
"You bastards..." Stan replied.  
Also on top of the roof were Wendy and Butters. Wendy was gossiping to Butters about the "naked Kyle" incident.  
"Cartman secretly filmed Kyle naked on video camera, and everyone in the school auditorium saw the video!" Wendy whispered in Butters's ear.  
"Bwahahahaha!" Butters giggled uncontrollably.  
"Hey, look Kyle!" said Cartman. "Wendy is telling Butters all about my video now! Oh my fucking god, this is even more delicious than Chipotle! HAHAHAHAHA!"  
MEANWHILE AT THE SCHOOL STORE...  
Cartman had just started selling copies of his video (which contained both his Sex Ed recording and his recording of Kyle's nakedness) for only $8.95 each. So far, he had already sold three of them (to Wendy, Bebe, and Mr. Garrison), earning him a total of $26.85.  
When Kyle walked in and noticed this, he said "WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?!"  
"Everyone is JACKING IT to our smash-hit film!" Cartman explained.  
"OUR film!? That's YOUR film, fatass!" Kyle replied.  
"It's OUR masterpiece!" said Cartman. "You are going to be a fucking celebrity, Kyle! Every girl around here who wants a hot-ass boyfriend will want you! Would you like to buy a copy? Only $8.95 (plus tax because you're a fucking Jew)."  
"NO!" Kyle yelled.  
"Well, too bad." said Cartman. "Soon, the knowledge of your naked body will be distributed to every hipster in town."  
And with that, Kyle ran out of the school's front door screaming.


	2. South Park - Camera Spy PART 2

PREVIOUSLY... "Well, too bad." said Cartman. "Soon, the knowledge of your naked body will be distributed to every hipster in town." And with that, Kyle ran out of the school's front door screaming.

CONTINUING THE STORY... As Kyle attempted to flee, he was suddenly stunned by an electric shock. "HA!" Cartman gloated. "Thought you could get away, hmm? Not so fast, devil worshipper!" "YOU'RE A FUCKING DEVIL WORSHIPPER, YOU GOD-DAMNED FAT PIECE OF SHIT!" Kyle replied. "Um, excuse me...would you please just let me fucking continue?" Cartman requested. "You see, using my amazing genius intellect, I convinced the school to install an invisible electric fence that prevents students from even attempting to leave the school grounds at inappropriate times."

"God damn it, Cartman...you win this round, motherfucker." Kyle concluded. "That's what I like to hear, cock-sucker!" Cartman gloated. "Soon, all of the girls will be trying to suck YOUR cock! On a somewhat related note, I think Mr. Garrison has jacked off to the Kyle section of my video over 20 times." "Well, what the fuck?! It's Mr. Garrison, what else do you expect from that crazy transsexual gay-ass hypocrite?" Kyle replied angrily. "Also, how do YOU know how many times he's jacked off to it?"

"Oh, he's told me." Cartman replied with a crooked grin. "He's also given me $2.00 and a full jar of his semen." "He did WHAT?!" Kyle screamed. Kyle suddenly realized that this was no nightmare. It was a nightmare inside of a nightmare...no wait, fuck that bullshit. This was real. "Damn it, Cartman! When did you become such an evil genius?" Kyle asked angrily.

"I've always been a genius." Cartman replied. "WRONG! Originally, you were KIND OF A TOTAL FUCKING IDIOT! What has made you so god-damned brilliant all of a sudden?" Kyle begged for the answer. "Character development...not to mention my superior intuition, you stupid redhead bitch!" Cartman answered. "Come on, let's fight! First one to cry loses!"

Kyle engaged in a fistfight with Cartman, as the break period had just started. Kyle attempted to apply maximum-velocity kick force to Cartman's testicles. "Damnit! His balls are so tiny I missed!" Kyle realized. The 300-pound Cartman attempted to tackle Kyle underneath his shockingly muscular weight. It was not very effective. Kyle proceeded to punch Cartman in the face. Cartman cried and lost the match.

"Cartman, you've always been a fucking pussy, you dumb-ass arrogant prick!" Kyle yelled. "Perhaps I simply have common sense issues?" Cartman wondered. "Of course you do! You don't know right from wrong, for fuck's sake!" Kyle replied. "At least I have the honor and respect to avoid aiming for people's dicks!" Cartman yelled. "Cartman, your dick is so small I couldn't even hit it properly! I kicked you right in the fucking groin and you didn't feel a thing!" Kyle pointed out.

The school counselor and principal came out to see what was going on, and they took Cartman and Kyle in for a long discussion. "M'kay, what the heck is going on?" Mr. Mackey asked. "We hear you're a little camera shy." "Camera Shy?" Kyle asked, bewildered. "Are you talking about that episode of-"

"No, no, we're talking about the expression 'camera shy'." the principal explained. "It means you have a fear of being photographed and filmed." "I knew that, Kyle!" Cartman gloated. "I'm smarter than youuuu! I'm smarter than youuuu!" "Cartman, please shut your fat mouth." Kyle responded.

"Children, I've noticed something strange going on between the two of you." Chef pointed out. "What's the matter, little Kyle? Are you afraid to face your fears?" "No, the reason we got into a fight was because Cartman decided it would be cool to rip off one of our favorite TV shows by filming me naked on video camera without my permission!" Kyle explained. "Hey, I totally did not plagiarize anything while writing the script for that scene!" Cartman openly denied.

"Dude, you fucking copied-and-pasted it off of Rocko's Modern Life! I saw the whole god-damned episode that your scene was from, for crying out loud!" Kyle pointed out. "Well, okay, maybe that ONE part about you being naked, but not the whole thing." Cartman responded. "Cartman, talking to you is like talking to a fucking self-absorbed jackass." Kyle retorted. "You're a self-absorbed douche-nozzle, Kyle." Cartman replied. "Okay, that's enough, boys." the principal concluded.

"Stan and Kenny, please come to my office." Stan and Kenny arrived momentarily. Stan was the first to speak. "Kyle, you won't believe this! Cartman actually gave away naked photo copies of you to all the girls!" Stan explained. "He told them that if they payed him one dollar each, they would be able to get their photo copies autographed by you!"

"Yhhh, hnd thhyrh fhckhng swhrmhng hrhhnd thh dhhr th thh prhnchphls hffhch rhght nhw! I thhnk thhyrh tryhng th bhst thh dhmnhd dhhr dhwn! Lhhk hht!" Kenny yelled. As the door opened, Kenny was trampled to death by a stampede of lovestruck girls. Oddly enough, the principal's office was actually under maintenance, so the school gym was being used as a substitute. "Oh my god! They killed Kenny!" Stan exclaimed. "You bastards..." Kyle muttered.

The girls began to speak as calmly as calmly as they could manage. "Oh my god, Kyle, you're soooooooo SEXY! I WANNA HAVE BABIES WITH YOU SO BADLY! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I CAN'T BELIEVE IT! WHAT DOES IT MEAN?! WHAT DOES IT MEAN?! WHAT DOES IT MEAN?! OH MY GOD, I'M SO FUCKING EXCITED! YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" One of the girls' heads exploded from sheer over-excitation.

"Well, that was a fucking bust." Cartman said. "Stan, I TOLD you the girls would be swarming around Kyle like zombies!" "How was I supposed to know you meant that so literally?" Stan asked. OVER 90 AUTOGRAPHS LATER... "I'm fucking tired of doing this!" Kyle yelled. Wendy confronted Kyle for an apology. "Kyle, I'm sorry I was so obsessed with you. That video of you was just too sexy! I couldn't resist." Wendy apologized.

"I'll have any type of sex with Kyle!" Bebe said excitedly. "I'll even lick the sweat out of his asshole while sucking on his jizz-soaked underwear!" Stan vomited fiercely. "BEBE, THAT'S FUCKING SICKENING!" Stan yelled. "Just ignore that fucking slut." Wendy said. "Say, where's Cartman?" Kyle asked. "I locked him up in the janitor's closet." Wendy explained. "I've made an arrangement with the school staff to go get him once we get this over with."

AT THE SCHOOL STORE... Stan, Kyle, and Wendy had formed a trio at Cartman's school store in the hallway. "Okay, where do we begin?" Kyle asked. Wendy explained what the trio's plan was."Stan, use the paper shredder to shred all of the photos. Kyle, get a baseball bat from the school shed. I'm allowing you to personally use a baseball bat to smash Cartman's camera and everything related to it into smithereens."

"How will you help out, Wendy?" Stan asked. "Well, I...'persuaded' Cartman into revealing the password to his Facebook account." Wendy explained. "Before he can change his password, I will use it to break into his account and delete everything related to the camera incident. Understood?" "Yes, ma'am!" Stan and Kyle concluded.

AFTER THE PLAN IS CARRIED OUT... Cartman was getting hungry, and he wasn't sure how much longer the lightbulb was going to last. "Um, hello? Anyone? Is anyone going to rescue me?" Suddenly, Kenny's spirit appeared. "Hhy!" Cartman jumped three feet into the air and had a literal heart attack.

THREE HOURS LATER... Cartman had been sent to the hospital, where the doctors were trying to determine the cause and severity of his heart attack. "It seems that this young man has been eating WAY too many Cheesy Poofs." the doctor pointed out. "Who knew that he would actually have a heart attack simply from being severely startled rather than from his fatty cholesterol-loaded diet?" "HEY! I'm healthier than I used to be, asshole!" Cartman yelled.

"Cartman, sweetie, don't get your blood pressure so high! It'll cause you to explode, snookums!" Liane warned her son. "I swear, I was alone in a dark closet when Kenny's ghost popped out of nowhere and yelled at me!" Cartman explained. "Next thing I knew, I was having a heart attack from the shock!" "Well, looks like we need to go over something else now." the doctor continued suspiciously. "I'M A ZOMBIE AND I'LL EAT YOUR FUCKING BRAINS OUT-"

"AAAAAAAA!" Cartman screamed as he woke up from his nightmare. He was still stuck in the janitor's closet. "How long do you think we should keep him in there?" Kyle whispered. "Just for tonight." Stan whispered back. "God damn it..." Cartman thought to himself as he slept on the cold hard floor and waited. "At least I'm not naked..."

Suddenly, Saddam Hussein appeared. "I am!" Cartman died of a heart attack, but he mysteriously recovered from it when Satan found him too annoying to be kept in Hell. "God damn it, Kenny, is this how you always come back?" Cartman wondered. "It sure is!" said Kenny. "You're my favorite, Kenny." said Cartman.

AT STAN'S HOUSE... "I'll bet Cartman's going insane in there. We should let him out before he sees Kenny's ghost again." Kyle said. "Man, I sure wish we could have caught Kenny's ghost on video camera..." Stan thought to himself.

The next day, Kyle and Stan were thinking about letting Cartman out of the closet.  
"Don't you think we should let the poor fat fuck out of there before he starves?" Stan suggested.  
"Nah, I've seen that fat bastard survive eight weeks of starvation." Kyle replied. "At least there's a water fountain in there."  
SEVEN WEEKS LATER...  
Cartman had been freed from the closet. He had become incredibly thin from starvation. Not only that, but his mind was not exactly stable.  
"Holy shit, Cartman, what's gotten into you?" Kyle asked.  
Cartman began to speak. "Is that you, Kenny? God damn it, none of your business...stop...haunting me...you poor broke asshole...  
"SHUT UP YOU FAT FUCKING SLUDGEBALL...heh heh...what did you just call me...SHUT THE HELL UP, CARTMAN...you pathetic excuse for a friend...FUCK YOU!" Cartman began to literally wrestle with himself.  
"Damn, we must've fucked his head up real good." Stan said. "I kind of feel bad for him. We should get him to a mental hospital!"  
"Fuck that!" Kyle yelled. "Let's interrogate his sorry ass until he spills the beans."  
Cartman farted. "GOD DAMN IT, WHY DO YOU ALWAYS HAVE TO FART ALL THE GOD DAMNED TIME? Shut up, you stupid fucking voices in my head! GOD DAMN YOU, KENNY! CURSE YOU, CARTMAN! AUGH!" Cartman argued with himself.  
"Okay, you're right, he's gone fucking crazy." Kyle realized. "We need to get him some help pronto. Despite the things he's done, I'm no better than he is if I don't even treat him like he exists."  
"Yep. Despite all the shit he's pulled on us..." Stan thought to himself.  
"Yeah, like that one time when I put Burning Hellfire sauce and laxatives into someone's whiskey right before he took the last sip? THAT WAS MY DAD, YOU ASSFACE!" Cartman said to himself.  
"I think I can guess what's going on in his head." said Kyle.  
"Yeah, unless he's faking it..." Stan thought.  
AT THE PARANORMAL INVESTIGATION SECTION OF THE SOUTH PARK ASYLUM...  
"It's quite clear to us what is afflicting Cartman's psyche." Dr. Eriken explained. "Kenny's spirit has merged with Cartman's."  
"SAY WHAAAAAT?" Jesus said.  
"Hey, how did you get in here, Jesus?" Kyle wondered.  
"Do not fear, my children. I can appear anywhere I choose to. I sensed that there was something strange and troubling here, so I'm investigating it." Jesus explained.  
"Oh, that's cool, Jesus." Stan concluded.  
"Do you think Cartman will be okay?" Kyle asked.  
"He may be a fat bastard, but I still wish for him to learn his lesson someday before death." Jesus admitted. "Knowing him, however, he probably never will."  
"YOU'RE DAMN RIGHT, HE WON'T! Oh, YES I WILL, Kenny! NO YOU WON'T! GOD DAMN IT! YES! NO! I! YOU! WILL! WON'T!" Cartman rambled. "Shut up or I'll eat all your god-damned Pop-Tarts! NO, I'LL EAT ALL YOUR POP-TARTS, YOU FAT SON OF A BITCH!"  
"So...you've fed him?" Kyle asked.  
"They sure have! I wish they would give me more cake! I WANT CAKE TOO, YOU FAT MOTHERFUCKER! Cunt-face! ASS-WHORE! Cock-sucker! CHICKEN CHOKER! Butt-rash! ANAL MOLD! Pus-face! BLOOD-BELCHING VAGINA!" Cartman's insanity escalated.  
"Okay, we need to gain a deeper understanding of this." Eriken explained. "Kyle and Stan, I'm sending your spirits into Cartman's subconscious through this Spirit Tube. Cartman and Kenny's spirits have been arguing in there for days. We need you two to try and break it up."  
ONE ARGUMENT LATER...  
"Kenny's spirit said he'll stop haunting Cartman's body if we make a video of Stan's mom naked." Stan and Kyle explained. "God damn it, here we go again..."  
AT STAN'S HOUSE...  
"Me and Kyle are having a sleepover here." Stan explained.  
"Well, okay." Randy answered. "That's pretty damned gay, but I'll let you do it if you want to. "Do it...heh heh..."  
"Enough with the gay sex jokes, Dad." Stan told Randy. "They're not funny, seriously."  
"Well, whatever, I think it's pretty god-damned funny! You and Kyle getting together like two peas in a pod...HA HA!" Randy explained.  
"Knock it off, Dad!" Stan replied. "You're starting to sound like Cartman!"  
"I am Cartman!" Randy said.  
"WHAT?!" Stan and Kyle exclaimed.  
"Yeah, I left my original body because Kenny's spirit was being such an irritating little dickhole." Randy explained.  
"Well, good riddance!" Kyle yelled.  
"Are you disrespecting my authoritah?" Randy asked.  
"Maybe." Stan concluded.  
"Well, I've already set up an invisible security camera in Sharon's bathroom." Randy explained.  
"The correct term is 'cloaked', you dumbass!" Stan yelled.  
"Cloaked, invisible, what's the fucking difference?" Randy pointed out. "Yes, it has a cloaking device attached to it! God, I love cartoon logic. It fucking kicks ass."  
"Look, my children." Randy continued. "Through the screen of Randy's I-phone, you can see the inside of the shower." Randy whispered.  
Sharon stepped into the shower and began showering. "OH MY GOD! I THINK I'M HAVING A FUCKING NOSEBLEED!" Randy whispered. "If Randy's penis wasn't so fat, smelly and disgusting, I would totally start jacking off right now."  
"Say, what happened to Randy's soul?" Stan asked.  
"I ate it!" Randy said.  
"YOU FUCKING DID WHAT?!" Stan and Kyle whispered at the tops of their lungs.  
"Now, now, don't get so upset." Randy said.  
"YOU FUCKING ATE MY DAD'S SOUL, MOTHERFUCKER!" Stan whispered.  
"Dude, I would totally expect Cartman to do some crazy evil shit like that at some point." Kyle pointed out. "The writers will definitely find some way to bring Randy back."  
"Good point." Stan said. "On a semi-related note...I think I just had an orgasm just from looking at this video."  
"Me too." Kyle replied.  
"Sick, dude!" Stan replied. "We should show this to Kenny!"  
"What if Kenny dies of a nosebleed from sexual excitement?" Randy pointed out. "You never know with Kenny..."  
"Dude, he's a fucking ghost!" Kyle and Stan replied. "Dead people can't fucking die, you god-damned retard!"  
"Kenny would find a way..." Randy pointed out. "Am I the only one who is aware of his immortality? He may be dead, but soon, he will come back. And then he will probably die again."  
AT DR. ERIKEN'S ROOM...  
"Okay, Kenny, we've got the video for you!" Stan said. "Watch it and enjoy it!"  
"OH MY FUCKING GOD! I WOULD TOTALLY BANG HER UP THE ASS AND THE VAGINA IF SHE WAS MY AGE! FUCK YEAH!" Cartman blurted out.  
FIVE MINUTES LATER...  
"So, how was it?" Stan asked.  
"I feel like I'm melting..." Cartman said, rendered nearly unconscious by the overwhelming pleasure of his orgasm.  
"So, will you leave Cartman's body now?" Kyle asked.  
"Yeah, sure, why not?" Kenny replied. "I mean, I would rather live life broke and miserable than be a spoiled rotten fat bastard like Cartman. Who knows? Someday, things might get better for me. Good-bye, you guys..."  
Kenny's spirit vanished, and Cartman's body was lifeless.  
"Damn...poor guy..." Stan said.  
"I think I'm crying right now. What has Kenny done to deserve such a fate?" Kyle begged for an answer.  
"There, there now. Kenny's found a better place now." Stan reassured him. A few seconds later, Kenny walked in and greeted Stan and Kyle.  
"I FUCKING KNEW IT!" Stan and Kyle yelled. Kenny's role in the story was more or less over, so he went outside and got struck by lightning.  
"Do you ever wonder if maybe Kenny does this for fun at this point?" Stan thought to himself.  
AT STAN'S HOUSE...  
"Give up Randy's soul, you asshole!" Kyle yelled.  
"Oh, okay..." Randy reluctantly replied. "I'll use my gag reflex." Cartman's soul somehow puked out Randy's soul, and with that, Cartman's soul returned to its original body. Randy's soul did the same, but Stan found it hard to tell the difference at times.  
"Well, I'm glad that's all over..." Stan and Kyle said.  
"Hey guys!" Cartman said. "Guess what? My music video got over one million views on YouTube and won in an Internet film festival! I don't fucking believe it!"  
"What YouTube video?" Kyle asked reluctantly.  
"You know...the one that shows Kyle naked! HEE HEE!" Cartman replied.  
"WHY YOU GOD DAMNED SON OF A BITCH! GET OVER HERE!" Kyle almost literally exploded with anger.  
"Wait!" Cartman said. "We each won $500,000 dollars as an award for the outstanding video. Are you happy now?"  
"Actually, yeah, I guess..." Kyle decided. "Still, YOU'RE MAKING ME LOOK LIKE A GOD DAMNED WHORE, YOU BITCH! LET'S RUMBLE!"  
As the sun set, Cartman and Kyle beat the ever-loving god-damned shit out of each other's asses.  
Stan sat on one of his lawnchairs and filmed the fight on video camera. "Wow, this is better than pro wrestling!" Stan thought to himself.

A few days later, the incredible story of Kyle's misadventures reached news headlines. "South Park's #1 Camera Spy" became the news story of the decade. It was almost like a dream...  
"Oh, DON'T YOU FUCKING DARE..." Cartman warned the narrator.  
Umm, I mean, it was real...real awesome, I guess.  
Stan, Kyle, and Cartman even got to appear on the national television news.  
ON THE NEWS, BEING BROADCAST ON TELEVISION...  
"I think we've all learned something from this." Stan began, with at least half of America listening.  
"Yeah!" Cartman interrupted, shoving Stan off to the side. "We learned that KYLE IS AN UGLY JEWISH BITCH!"  
Stan shoved Cartman back into his place and continued. "Citizens of America...does he look like a bitch? Online poll! Leave your answers here."  
A FEW MINUTES LATER...  
"Ha! YOU GOT FUCKING SERVED, KYLE! According to the majority of US citizens, you look like a fucking girl when you're naked!" Cartman laughed.  
"God damn it, Cartman! Majority means 51%, dumbass!" Kyle yelled.  
"Oh, it was more than that, my kosher cock-sucking Jewish friend." Cartman reassured him. "It was, like, over 90%."  
"YOU'VE GOT TO BE FUCKING KIDDING ME!" Kyle yelled.  
"Well, that's our special guest interview for today, folks!" the news reporter concluded. "The national vote has decided on one thing and one thing only:  
KYLE LOOKS LIKE A BITCH!  
END OF STORY


End file.
